I’ll go first.
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I don’t know if it’s our current astrology, or the fact that we are at the start of a new month before a new year, but something on my mind lately is the idea of self worth.
And how having worth is a choice we make, in each and every moment.
Especially in those that feel most blurry.
Moments where we aren’t sure of our responsibilities; when the empath in us knows what another needs and also that we aren’t meant to fix anybody. Moments when we see our own part in an argument or falling out and want to take accountability because we always have, and being the one to apologize would be easiest on everyone involved. Dis-including us, but we’re tough and are used to being the one to carry what others won’t. Moments where being responsible is our default response. Moments when everything in us tells us it’s our job to be another’s support, even if being so hurts so much and leaves us left out.
Moments when our identity is so emeshed in helping that we don’t know how to be anything else. Who are we if we aren’t kind and considerate?
Those moments are the moments when we need to choose our worth, most. Those are the moments where we have to make a choice to stand for what we deserve.
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When I started this post, I didn’t know what I’d type. Just that I wanted to sneak off to a cafe and write.
Life.
Because mine has changed and has been changing and I feel I am now just catching up with all the changes happening. All the changes asked of me. By me. I asked for all this; the partner, the creative city, the burning away of responsibilities no longer a fit for me, but change isn’t easy and for so much of this year life was happening quickly, and I was flowing downstream, submerged and unable to breathe. Holding on for dear life, Uranus with a chokehold on my sun sign (I’m Taurus and woah has our need for routine and consistency been put to the test by Uranus and it’s need to disrupt everything), waiting for the moment I felt fine.
Life was good, and I was in sensory overload.
Getting everything I wanted and feeling like I couldn’t cope.
And I think it’s okay to admit that it’s okay to be uncomfortable, even in the midst of things working out. And I think it’s important to recognize that getting what we want involves so much change in who we are; an alchemy of our hearts and how we identify ourselves. And that no matter how incredible, life changes can be hard. And the most beautiful moments, difficult.
When I first met my partner (a fellow entrepreneurial soul) we were talking about how we each got our start in business. And for him it was making cold calls. And I thought, oh no. Definitely not. That wouldn’t work with my skillset.
For me, it started internal.
I needed to know my worth, first and foremost,
and create a foundation (website and signature offering) that felt like my authentic truth.
If you’re on Instagram, or part of personal development circles, you’ve probably heard about the ‘need to show up’ and if you’ve been following my work, you’ve probably heard me speak those words as well.
Because you do.
Earth is undergoing a major shift and it is our gifts and abilities that are creating the new systems we’ll live in. Systems and ways of being that can’t be birthed if we don’t first share our authentic selves with this world.
But as motivating as ‘showing up’ and ‘the world needs what you’ve got!’ can sound, speaking up and being who we really are isn’t always easy for healers and creatives because for centuries, “being ourselves” was not safe. For centuries, being ourselves meant burnt at the stake. (Witch trials.) And though this memory is unconscious, it keeps so many of us from leaving the spiritual closet and sharing ourselves. We want to follow our path and we want to share our work with those we are here to help but we feel held back because part of us remembers the last time we did and that part has vowed to never again feel what she felt the day she was killed off.
This fear is known as the persecution wound and it’s a wound that sits in our collective bones (and more specifically, the throat chakra of us as individuals) and because I’ve had to face and re-face it with my work, I wanted to write a post outlining the signs you might carry it too. Because your work to show up might require a bit more than a few motivational quotes, and if it does, I want you to know you aren’t alone in what you’re experiencing or going through.
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When it feels too much, remember it’s your presence on
this planet that lifts us up.
When it feels too much, remember you are more than enough.
Because without you, we can’t be us.
A planet remembering love.
When it feels too much, trust.
Things have a way of working out.
When it feels too much, know you aren’t alone.
You arrived with a team of guides to help you walk this planet home.
When it feels too much, rest your heart.
Ours beat in gratitude for your willingness to not give up.
I got an email last week asking if I was okay because I haven't been as present with my writing. My quick answer was “thank you for checking in on me! Lots happening behind the scenes. My courses, a new album (first track out tomorrow!) and lots of living!”
But beneath that has been a deeper shift.
Cause the truth is, beneath the ‘busy’ I’ve been questioning a lot of things, and a big one is if I’m still an empath.
The answer is, yes.
But for a moment I didn’t know, because I realized I don’t fit the 'list of traits' anymore.
I don’t forgo my own needs.
Or feel random bouts of unexplainable mental or physical fatigue.
Or experience mood swings.
Or do everything and anything for ANY other being.
And toxicity;
That’s no longer part of my story.
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The fun thing about a partner in film is that he has a knack for capturing moments. Moments, like this. The sun was setting and I was in awe of a ‘life like this.’
And when I saw the image, I felt something shift.
The responsibility I've felt for eons lifted.
The end of a rope I decided to snip.
A rope to hardship.
I snipped it.
In favor of peace. And forgiveness.
And being happy. And flaunting it.
Over the past few years I've released myself from what was never a fit to my spirit. Like making myself small to ensure someone else didn’t feel triggered. Or putting off my calling because others didn’t ‘get it’.
I faced it.
The people-pleasing.
The overcompensating.
My default to overgive.
And from it, gave myself permission to lift.
To shift.
To live.
Weightless.
And I saw weightlessness in that image.
A feeling that brought me back to my journal and words I scribbled in it:
"Free yourself so you can free someone else."
I wrote them in 2017 and at the time they didn’t make sense.
I actually thought it was the other way around and that those words were selfish. “Put myself first? How does that help the planet?”
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