The fun thing about a partner in film is that he has a knack for capturing moments. Quiet ones, like this. The sun was setting and we were sitting on top of a hill watching it. I was actually crying tears in awe of a ‘life like this.’
And when he showed me the image, I felt something shift.
The responsibility I've felt for eons lifted.
The end of a rope I decided to snip.
A rope to hardship.
I snipped it.
In favor of peace. And forgiveness.
And being happy. And flaunting it.
Over the past few years I've released myself from what was never a fit to my spirit. Like making myself small to ensure someone else didn’t feel triggered. Or putting off my calling because others didn’t ‘get it’.
I faced it.
My default to overgive.
And from it, gave myself permission to lift.
And I saw weightlessness in that image.
A feeling that brought me back to my journal and words I scribbled in it:
"Free yourself so you can free someone else."
I wrote them in 2017 and at the time they didn’t make sense.
I actually thought it was the other way around and that those words were selfish. “Put myself first? How does that help the planet?”Read More
A lot has changed since I last sat in a cafe and wrote in this space.
Like, overcoming my fear of flying, finding love unexpectedly, moving to a new city and helping another group of empaths learn to sell their offering - authentically.
Then came the migraines.
The nights of talking about what needed to shift, but not knowing ‘what that is’. All I knew was that I was tired. Really, really tired. (Sleeping 11, 12, 13 hours and losing motivation at a very quick rate.) So I pulled in my energy and paid attention to what my symptoms were saying, because they were speaking loudly and I knew I needed to listen.
The main message:
I’m tired of the responsibility I’ve been carrying. I’m tired of spending so much of my valuable time ‘learning’ other people’s lessons and trying to protect others from what they do not want to see, feel or experience. I’m tired of censoring myself in fear of the backlash from those not yet conscious to their triggers.
I’m tired of carrying the unconscious;
Those sleeping while I’m awake working. Hard. For centuries.
Cause that’s what so much of my life is these days.
That how I’ve been spending my days:
Tiptoeing in fear of unsteadying somebody. Or making someone THINK differently.
(A big, big risk, because if they don’t like it, I have to deal with their feelings, which has long been my responsibility.)
I’ve been moving through my days in fear of the emotions I’ll feel for another if they are not happy with something I say, knowing it’s me who will have to deal with their pain if they don’t like my ways. Because I’m good at it; at feeling feelings that is. I was made sensitive and am designed to please. If you’re not happy, I feel it within me, so much that I think the issue IS me. When you’re in my energy I become what you need.
*This post first appeared in 2018 but has since been edited.
The past few months have been months of radical transformation.
The things I could only dream last December are manifesting. It's surreal. Eerie, really. Especially as I sit here in the library I sat in often when life felt overwhelming... and I felt defeated in my mission.
If you've taken any of my more recent workshops I've spoken openly about how the end of 2017 was difficult on me. I had a vision for who I wanted to be and big plans for what this space might be, but gave my power away to fate and forgot my duty to co-create my reality. I understood the Law of Attraction... and even wrote a book on the theories of manifestation, but theory is just theory without application.
So I crashed and burned; physically, mentally, emotionally, financially.
In a very public way.
It was embarrassing, yet common for us Healers/Feelers/Empaths/Intuitive Beings.
Because we are so driven to create freedom based lives and fulfill our purpose that we abandon conventionality and dive headfirst into service, armed only with the theory of what it takes to create a happy reality... forgetting that success requires we face reality.
I was on Pinterest the other day and noticed a quote with my name on it circulating the platform. I didn’t recognize it and thought perhaps someone created it based on a piece of my content. Turns out, I DID make it but forgot about it because it was from one of my first posts. Seeing it threw me down a tunnel of nostalgia and remembering all the feelings I felt when I decided to take a risk on myself and start writing on this blog I now call the diary.
At the time I had just graduated from social work, excited to have the degree and to be part of such an admiral profession, but also deeply aware that being a traditional social worker wasn’t my purpose. I’ve known since I was an infant that I came here with a mission - and a 9 to 5 didn’t feel like it. In fact, a 9 to 5 felt conflicting. Limiting. And not what I was here to be doing. So on the prompting of an ex boyfriend I started writing.
And though he was wonderful in getting me started, I don’t give him all the credit.
Because getting to this point took overcoming so many limiting beliefs that were deeply programmed into my psyche. Beliefs I had to show up to fight against each and every day for the first few months of showing up for my purpose. And since I know another wave of healers and creatives are now being prompted to show up, I want to share three of the biggest myths incase you too are struggling.
It’s Valentine’s Day and I woke up so happy for all the love in the air. The air is buzzing and I can feel it because I’m a match for it, which wasn’t always my reality. For years Valentines Day felt like expectation. For myself and the men I was dating. It felt like judgement, around capitalism and “all the ways holidays are used for profit”. It felt like comparison, especially when it came to my relationships and how we were and were not comparing to others. Or worse, comparing myself to those in relationships if I wasn’t in one.
But this year?
This year is different.
I feel love and nothing but it.
It’s a safe feeling.
And from within.
Not manufactured. Not outsourced. It’s not something someone gave me wrapped in a box or sitting in a vase. (Though I love gifts and flowers are my weakness.) It’s something I feel.
Last night I hit a wall.
Or more rather, collapsed into a puddle on the floor.
So I recorded it.
Incase you’re going through it too.
Cause learning this is what we signed up for.
i hope to trigger you
to say something that hurts you
makes you think
because we as a world are counting on you
to do what you came to do
to heal the wounds
you arrived with
and those you carry because of the suit you are wearing
so we as a people can be free
what we’ve been wanting:
*A poem for all who hurt me, to love me, by showing me the wounds I held within so I could heal them, and in turn, this planet. Mirroring.
I’ll never forget stumbling across ‘the Law of Attraction’ and wondering how that could be a thing. On one hand, it was validating, because even as a child I knew not all was as it seemed. Magic to me, was as real as this tea I am drinking. But I’m also an earth sign and value practicality. I need real, tangible proof to feel sure of something.
So I was torn.
Could we really create things with our thinking?
Was I really in control of my reality?
Especially where I had lived 20+ years without knowledge of this ‘law’ and there was no way I manifested some of what I experienced. There is no way I asked for everything that happened to me. That was challenging to even begin to believe.
But it turns out we can.
And I am.
And my knowledge of the Law of Attraction and the other energetic laws that govern our lives as human beings has only grown since then. Because I’ve been given my proof.
Again, and again.
In so many forms.
And with so many things; from relationships to clients to health and wellbeing. For myself and others.
So I no longer question my ability to create my world.
And I no longer misuse my words.
(As they are our wand.)
But I know when you are first learning about the Law of Attraction there is a need to know how it really works. A need for proof. And I know that when you’re in that place of just beginning to see the influence you have over your reality, other people’s stories can be make or break because they give you reason to take your power seriously.