big changes + the fear of persecution that haunts me

A lot has changed since I last sat in a cafe and wrote in this space.

Like, overcoming my fear of flying, finding love unexpectedly, moving to a new city and helping another group of empaths learn to sell their offering - authentically.

Related: Manifesting Love, A Podcast Episode
Learn more about: Empaths in Business, a 6-week program

Then came the migraines.

The fatigue.

The nights of talking about what needed to shift, but not knowing ‘what that is’. All I knew was that I was tired. Really, really tired. (Sleeping 11, 12, 13 hours a day and losing motivation at a very quick rate.) So I pulled in my energy and paid attention to what my symptoms were saying, because they were speaking and I knew I needed to listen.

The main message:

I’m tired of the responsibility I’ve been carrying. I’m tired of spending so much of my valuable time ‘learning’ other people’s lessons. I’m tired of overcompensating to protect others from what they do not want to see, feel or experience. I’m tired of censoring myself in fear of the backlash from those not yet conscious to their triggers.

I’m tired of carrying the unconscious;
those sleeping while I’m awake working. Hard. For centuries.

Cause that’s what so much of my life is these days.
That’s how I’ve been spending so many of my days:

Tiptoeing in fear of unsteadying somebody. Or making someone THINK differently.

(A big, big risk, because if they don’t like it, I have to deal with their feelings, which has long been my responsibility.)

I’ve been moving through my days in fear of the emotions I’ll feel for another if they are not happy with something I say, knowing it’s me who will have to deal with their pain if they don’t like my ways. Because I’m good at it; at feeling feelings that is. I was made sensitive and I am designed to please. If you’re not happy, I feel it within me, so much that I think the issue IS me. When you’re in my energy I become what you need.

And it needed to be that way:

For years we’ve been carrying what others could not carry. We’ve been the visionaries; the women who walked through fire and still forgave. The women who watched our sisters burned and remained in grace. We were hunted and accused and we let you have your place; the collective unconscious that fears our strength. For centuries we bowed to your power knowing it was a sacrifice in the movement to peace. We knew we needed to come here again and again and again, each time shifting things slowly. We incarnated knowing the burden we would carry. We knew you’d take our dreams, our dignity, our babies. We knew you’d drown them and make us look crazy. And we kept going, lifetime after lifetime, withstanding the torture and the humiliation, because we knew what we were here for. We knew the golden age we were working towards. And we knew the more we withstood, the closer we were to what we were here for: the shift to a place much more understanding.

The shift to 5th dimensional living.

My spirit remembers.
But she does not carry resentment.

She knows what she signed up for; a volunteer excited to be here. She is tired tough, because it’s 2019, and we shouldn’t be tiptoeing around eachother. As a collective we should be empowered beings, sovereign beings, beings capable of dealing with our issues without projecting. But we can’t do that if we don’t have a reason to, and the masses haven’t had to learn because those of us good at pain have been carrying that work.

(Or burden would be a better word.)

So many of us have been quieting ourselves in an effort to not rock the boat.

But the world needs to wake up.

And for the world to awaken people need to feel unsteady. People need to question things. Isn’t that what got us where we are now standing? As empaths on the forefront of what’s happening, our boundaries are being tested. We are being grounded for when we start the rebellion.

This is the patriarchy de-throned.

The end of the obligation we feel to carry the world.

The relinquishing from a false power source where our worth was in our pain and how much of it we could carry for others. You might feel it, but we are waking the world by saying no more.

It’s time for the masses to learn from the magic we’ve perfected, not arrest it.

Or be scared of it.

It’s time for the world to see just how valuable our skillset, not because we proved it but because we made the decision we were worth it.

So many of us have become the masters of our domain; we’ve graduated on the spiritual plane and are here to teach, speak and lead in our respected communities. The change of guard is happening, but first the uproar because the change is threatening. Our mere existence is a threat to those still programmed to an old way of being.

To awaken is to question everything.

And that process is what we are here to facilitate.

And we expect you to struggle. We had to too. So much that most of us didn’t want to be here anymore. So much that so many of us tried to go home. But while you struggle with your questions about this life and why it’s so difficult for you, I will not hide, quiet or censor myself small.

I will rise, thrive and threaten you with my growth.

I will trigger and inconvenience you to learn more,

watching lovingly as you relearn everything you know. Observing you realize the problem IS you, and has always been you, and will always be you, unless you choose to transform. I’ll want to soothe and nurture and check on you, but I won’t, because holding myself back won’t help you. It will stagnate us both.

It will stagnate this world.

So I’ll keep moving forward;

knowing that if you follow you too can live a life just as magical.

That’s my truth, and that’s what I am willing to give you.

That’s the boundary I am setting with you. That’s how this will go. Listen to my words, purchase my tools, watch me dance through this world and you too can experience how this life really works.

The only way out is through.

Let me lead, but do not expect me to carry you, for that my friend, is your work to do.

Here’s to choosing to grow and hoping you do too.



A note:

I wrote this post to heal from an experience where someone unfamiliar with my work labelled what I do as fraudulent just because he couldn’t understand it. Which isn’t a new story - as empaths (mystics, witches) we’ve experienced this for centuries. For thousands of years we’ve been accused and his words ignited those deep wounds. Yet, I understood why he felt threatened, I could see from his perspective and I recorded an entire podcast episode on how I was navigating the situation (Ep 12, The Persecution Wounds & Dealing With People Who Do Not Get You).

A few weeks later I got really sick and rundown and I realized just how much energy I gave to his anger to help him feel better. I didn’t want him to feel pain, so I fell into an old pattern of over-giving and doing everything I could to prove I was a good person. I worked so hard to mute the threat he felt; I carried his pain and overexplained myself because I didn’t want to deal with the emotional backlash of someone unhappy.

So many of us are rising because we have spent the past few years re-learning this world. We’ve gone through our ‘dark night of the soul’ and emerged empowered beings. We’ve been through some of the most challenging experiences and through it all built lives that are authentic - a way of living that is threatening to those still living the old paradigm of pain and struggle and confinement. But that does not mean we are wrong and their pain is ours to carry. It’s not. They too have the choice to awaken, but it’s not our responsibility to hold them if they do not want to as we can’t help anyone who can’t help themselves; that would be enabling. And that’s the new boundary I am choosing to set with the Internet. If I inspire you or you want what I have, I’m willing to teach what I have learned (here is my most potent course) but I refuse to do the work for you. The work is yours, and if you choose it, what’s on the other side is absolutely beautiful.