Self-Abandonment/ Putting Yourself Back Into Your Life
It was a Sunday morning, and all I wanted was a few hours in a coffee shop - a chance to finally sit down, focus, and wrestle my ideas into a blog post. "I've got this," my partner said. And for a moment, I felt that joy of creativity, of spontaneity again. Until the all-familiar thoughts popped up. The baby needs a nap. The house isn’t going to tidy itself. We could spend this time as a family, doing something that the boys will love. The pull of home, of responsibility, of the ever-present demands of motherhood.
I almost stayed.
But I didn't. Because I realized I was about to disappear again.
From a time I felt so far from myself.
Since becoming a mom, I’ve made a pattern of shrinking myself. When your energy is going to whatever is loudest - the chores, the caregiving, the partnership - it feels easier to tend to everything else first. When 8PM hits there is nothing left to give to yourself, let alone your creative projects.
Something I’ve realized, however, is that this self-diminishment doesn’t come without consequences. When you abandon your creative self, you feel resentful, overwhelmed, and off-track — a deep sense of disconnection with yourself. Because our work isn’t “extra” or "a hobby to do in stolen moments," as Clarissa Pinkola Estés put it in The Women Who Run With the Wolves. It’s who we are. An expression of our inner selves. Our calling. Our purpose.
Why we don’t always choose ourselves
It's tempting to blame motherhood for drifting away from my work, and while finding time and energy has been a challenge, I also recognize a deeper pattern at play. For me, it was the pervasive guilt – the belief that prioritizing myself was inherently "selfish" and that falling behind at home to prioritize my work made me a failure as a partner and parent. I also fell into the trap of believing "two hours won't make a difference," forgetting the power of the compound effect. That motivation is something created through momentum. That you need to write the first word to be inspired to write the second. And that in this season of life, as I remember how to take up space again, small moments are often all that I have.
the belief of insignificance
It’s hard to admit, but motherhood became the convenient excuse to retreat, a shield for a deeper fear that my voice didn’t matter. That my thoughts were no longer relevant. That once you become a mother, your worth as a woman is … in your children, not your career.
“Our creative work isn’t ‘extra’ or ‘a hobby to do in stolen moments.’ It’s who we are. An expression of our inner selves. Our calling. Our purpose.”
While a Sunday in a coffee shop might seem insignificant, for me, it was a turning point. An opportunity to choose myself again. A quiet rebellion in a world still griped in sexism. While the morning wasn’t anything extraordinary - just me, my computer, and a jasmine tea - it gave me a sense of mattering. Of soul peace. Of remembering the vital idea that inspiration snowballs and you have to start somewhere to get it flowing again.
Have you been disappearing?
How can you make yourself a priority again?
Related: A Gentle Vision Board Process For When You Feel Uninspired
On my reading list
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood - I’ve seen this title around, seems interesting to better understand myself as a woman, and how we so easily self-abandon in relationships, be it romantic, familial, parenting and even business.
The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern - Explores emotional manipulation and how to recognize and recover from gaslighting experiences.