Guys! There is such a beautiful community growing here at the diary of an empath! And because so many of you have been sharing parts of your healing journey with me, I wanted to dedicate a post to sharing parts of my journey with you. A life update of sorts. Because relationships go both ways and I want to make sure you all feel as invited in to my struggles and triumphs as I do to yours.
So let's get to it!
A major theme in my life right now is authenticity. I've been craving genuine connection and feel starved around anything inauthentic. I've also started to question the value of things... and I've been finding it hard to do things I don't feel bring value. Like Instagram. If you're friends with me there you might have noticed I've been boycotting the platform, feeling torn between feeling a need to post (consistency is supposedly key when growing a brand) and feeling as if I have nothing purposeful to say. There is a lot of visual noise in our world and I don't want to add to it just because. So I've been holding back.
I've also been feeling more and more in awe of the authentic beauty that surrounds me everyday, and the other day I was almost moved to tears by the kindness of the CAA man who came to rescue my friend and I at the top of Citadel Hill. I remember seeing the quote, "if only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies... how very different our ideas of beauty would be" graffitied on a wall a few years ago and feel I'm beginning to truly understand what that quote means. Maybe because I've been working to clear myself of the false idea that physical appearance correlates with worth (I'm still makeup free!) or maybe because I'm growing up. Whatever the reason, I'm glad my perspective is shifting because we aren't here to look good. We are here to be real. To show up, learn our lessons and care an immense amount about every person we meet.
At the end of April I'll be 25, WOAH. It's weird to even write that out. Twenty-five. I know it's only one small step in the grand scheme of a lifetime, but I can't help but think about where I thought I'd be at twenty-five and compare it to where I actually am. Five years ago I was on a very different path. I was in a long term relationship making mental plans for it to be a forever sort of thing. I was also on route to becoming a nutritionist and wasn't even thinking social work. I had all these plans for who I was suppose to be and what I was suppose to do, and I'm so grateful none of them worked out. I still care (so much!) about the person I was with and I still enjoy eating healthy and looking after myself, but that path wasn't for me and I'm glad the universe intervened.
Things aren't all grand though.
This is said to be the year of the shadow and I'm becoming painfully aware of my dark side/ego. Or actually, I've always known about it, I'm just becoming painfully aware that I can't ignore it. As an intuitive person I have access to information that can hurt when misused. Being able to tap into another's energy is a beautiful thing; it helps me to help others move through their blocks and heal. It also gives me access to their biggest fears and deepest wounds... so while I can build, motivate and heal, I can also unintentionally destroy. The dark side of being an empath is not something many of us like to talk about, but it's important we do. I'm also a lifepath 1 (and if we want to get esoteric, have a lot of fae energy) so I can be mischievous and manipulative. Not maliciously - it's often for good (like manipulating words to form a good argument to get funding for a non-profit) but still, it's mischievous and manipulative none the less. These are the things I'm working to bring to the light.
Other than that, I'm just loving life and find myself overwhelmed (that's an understatement) with trying to fit my blog and random bouts of creativity into my 9-5 life. It's only temporary though. Soon I'll be travelling and might miss my current routine. It's all about balance and there is a lot of truth to "not knowing what we've got til it's gone." So I've been trying to embrace that when I stay up too late and the mornings come too early, because this is my life now and I know in a few months I'll miss it.
Oh! I've also been in front of a camera TWICE this week. A huge thing for me because I'm so uncomfortable with having my picture taken... but I realize how important it is to have my face associated with my space. I'd love to just be able to write... but unfortunately our world likes visuals and part of a personal brand like mine is the face behind it. I'll be sharing those photos as they become available. I was also asked to be part of a podcast (!!!) so along with my face... my voice will also be emerging into cyber space.
And that's about it.
But now I'm on a roll, so I'll finish this lil life update with a journalling exercise I do when I need to ground into the moment - as a way to share a few more details from behind the scenes. If you are a future tripper or a ruminator (INFJs I'm looking at YOU) this is an excellent tool for bringing your focus back to the present moment. It's also a really good tool to use when trying to manifest. We have to accept where we are before we can get to where we want to be... and we all get too caught up in what we're wanting to bring into our lives that we forget to be present in the life we are living. So yes! Give it a try. All you need is a notebook and a pen and a space to ask yourself some questions.
What have I been loving lately? I've been in love with how the universe knows no boundaries when connecting us with the people we need to meet in order to grow.
What am I getting more comfortable with? Calling out my dark side. The dark side of being an empath is not something I have confronted before, but it's important I do.
What's most important to me right now? Good music, the moment right before I fall asleep when I'm thinking back on what I'm most grateful for, being a reason other people smile/laugh, learning Swedish.
What excuse have I been using far too much? "I'm too tired."
What have I been struggling with? Boundaries. I am so inspired by every individual who comes across my blog and reaches out for support and I wish I could support everyone. But that's not possible and I'm still trying to find ways to be OK with needing to balance give and take.
What have I been surprised by? How happiness can hurt. For the first time in my life I'm experiencing moments when I'm so happy, grateful, thankful, it physically hurts.
What have I been worrying about? Strengthening my right brain (intuition) too much that I lose my left brain skills.
What have I been having hunches about? Scandinavia... the pull to travel to the Nordic countries is beyond anything I've ever experienced before. I don't know what I'm meant to learn or who I'm meant to meet but I know the universe is not going to let me get away with not going. My poor Swedish friends have to put up with this obsession daily.
How have I been looking after myself? Deep breaths, naps, forcing myself to take baths, shutting off my phone when I sleep, and calling out my perfectionism.
How haven't I been looking after myself? Eating on the go or forgetting to eat, staying up too late without being able to sleep in, not meditating.
What's one recent realization? Success is subjective and things most people see as successful aren't what I believe to be successful at all. It's important to have goals and want big things for life, and it's really important that those goals and big things are ours and not something we have been trained to want by society. Success to me is when someone thanks me for creating a space where they feel safe talking about something they haven't felt safe talking about before. Not, having x amount of Instagram followers, or making x amount of money. This has taken me time to realize.
What's something I'm ready to leave behind? People who aren't compatible with who I am and where I want to go. Also sugar. I don't eat much of it but these days my taste buds can't tolerate it AT ALL.
What is the next goal I want to accomplish? A long-term goal I am working on is making this space sustainable so I can work remotely and travel. I also want to re-learn how to play the piano and start singing again [I use to be in musicals!]
What is something I miss? I don't really miss anything. My life is really beautiful right now because I've worked hard for it to be this way. Maybe I miss holding on? I'm pretty quick to move on these days and that scares me. I need to find balance.
If you feel inspired, I'd love to hear your answers to these questions. Or just some stories and life updates in general. I might not be able to get back to you right away, but I will read every single e-mail and get back to you as soon as I can.