Using the LOA after a breakup + 11 tips for letting go
Thanks to this post picking up speed on Pinterest, I've received A LOT of questions about the law of attraction and how it can be used to get an ex back. Though each story that landed in my inbox was unique, there is a common thread that ran through them all... us humans have a really hard time letting go.
But we have to let go because...
We can't use the law of attraction to bring someone back if that someone doesn't want to come back. We all have free will. Another hard truth? Even if that someone DID want to come back, the law of attraction can't work until we've accepted where we are and have genuinely let go of the past. And when we are attempting to use the law to draw a specific person back into our lives, we haven't let go at all... no matter how much we've convinced ourselves otherwise.
Time and time again I meet people trying to use the law of attraction to bypass healing. But we can't bypass healing. We have to hurt to heal. We have to hurt to grow. Wanting to avoid pain is why the law of attraction excites so many people after a breakup. We don't want to hurt so we do everything we can to avoid it... we do everything we can to regain control. But the reality is, there are times in our lives where we have no choice but face pain and show up to realize the only person we have control over is ourselves.
So no, we can't use the law of attraction to get an ex back but that doesn't mean we can't use it to create a life that's better than the life we had with the person who walked away.
There is nothing worse than grieving someone who is still alive. We rarely get the closure we need. But we can't control other people. We think we can. We pray we can. We find the law of attraction and believe it's the Secret to it all... but we can't force anyone to do anything. And it sucks, especially with breakups we never saw coming. But we get a choice; we can use our energy to fight and deny our reality or we can use our energy to show up and manifest something better.
If you are still in a place of using the law of attraction to attempt to maintain control, here are a few things that will help you begin to let go so you can begin to heal. Once you begin to heal, THAT's when you start to visualize, speak affirmations, write manifestation lists, and act as if. Not to attract an ex back, but to create something new and better.
But again, none of that will work until you let go.
So here are my eleven tips!
1. Write out exactly where you are in life: Get out a piece of paper and write down exactly where you are at this moment in time. Not where you want to be or hope to be. Where are you actually at? This isn't about projecting the future... this isn't about manifesting. This is about the right now. We have to accept where we are before we can change anything.
2. Tell someone about how much pain you're in. When we stumble across the law of attraction we learn we *have to be happy* to get what we want. So if we want our ex back we better be as happy as we can to make them come back ASAP. But emotions beg to be felt and when we push them down, they get worse. Reach out to a friend or family member or send a quick e-mail my way to let someone know about your pain. Doing this shows your emotions you acknowledge them, which helps you process them faster. The faster emotions are processed, the faster you create space to manifest the happiness you're faking.
3. Remove anything/everything that reminds you of your ex. You'll be resistant but please, please do this. If you can't remove it all, remove that one thing you are holding onto so strongly. Whatever popped into your head while reading this is the thing you need to remove. Just like our internal world influences our physical world, our physical world influences our internal world. You haven't mentally let go if you still keep your ex's things around.
4. STOP visualizing your ex partner. Most law of attraction advice suggests if you visualize hard enough, the universe has to make your visualization happen. Unfortunately this isn't how it works (not to sound like a broken record... but we all have free will). If you've been visualizing your reunion day after day, you need to step away from visualization for a bit and just be where you're at. If you don't feel you can step away from visualization all together, the next time you go to visualize yourself back together, try to visualize a blank face. Or better yet, just feel what it feels to be in love. You will be resistant, but try. If you are meant to be back with your ex you've already planted that seed, so you don't have to worry about it not happening if it's meant to. We have so many guides and angels who will bring you back together if that's for your highest good... so let yourself let go of that immense pressure you feel to orchestrate everything.
5. Do not read too much into signs. A lot of people have told me about the signs they've experienced from the universe telling them their ex partner will be back. I am a firm believer in signs but it's important to remember signs aren't always what we think they are. The universe sends us whatever we need in the moment. It knows what will keep us optimistic and able to take a few more steps forward. Try not to put too much power into what signs mean... more often than not they are just a wink from the universe to say we are safe and loved. Don't allow signs to be the reason you don't let go. And on a similar note... don't confuse faith with denial. When you're trying to use the law to manipulate an outcome because you just know the two of you belong together, that's denial, not faith.
6. If you can't let it go, let it be. If you aren't ready to let go try to be okay with just letting things be. Be okay with needing to hold on so tightly... be okay with your fears of letting go. Be okay with worrying things will never be better. Know that letting go comes after days, months, and sometimes years, of letting it be.
7. Do something new. When you can't let go, fill your life with something new instead. New skills and passions crowd out old thoughts and teach our hearts, minds and bodies to be okay with new things. It can be hard to feel motivated to do anything when you are grieving but it's not impossible. Make the choice to do something, anything. The opportunities are endless... you just have to force yourself out the door.
8. Read stories about people who refused to settle. Rejection is protection. There is someone better suited for you out there. Find the courage to allow life to let you find them. Reading stories about others who used heartbreak to learn about boundaries and get intentional about who and what they allow into their lives. This will inspire you to do the same. The unknown is scary - but it's even scarier to think of never giving yourself the chance to explore it.
Struggle with self-care?
I send a weekly self-care reminder every Wednesday with real-life tips for putting you (and your energy) first.
9. Happiness comes from within - and that is uncomfortable. Time and time again I meet people who get into relationships to avoid being responsible for their own happiness. I, myself was one of these people! Genuine happiness is a skill and just like it's easier to hire someone to cook your meals and code your site, it's easier to outsource your mood. When things hurt, try to lean into the discomfort of needing to be your own source of happiness. Being responsible for your own happiness is a lot harder than having someone be responsible for it for you. But it's worth it because once you master happiness, you will no longer settle with someone incompatible just because they distract you from the natural hardship of life.
Make a list of a few things that bring you genuine happiness (for me it's cuddling with my dog, holding my crystals, getting outside for a walk or sometimes just taking a nap). More often than not, missing someone is a subconscious notice of a void in your life... a 'oh shit I need to rely on my own company' moment. Having a list of things that make you happy that don't depend on other people is a great way of meeting this void.
10. Manifestation is creation. To manifest means to create so when we try to use the law to rewrite the past, we're missing the entire point. We can create ANYTHING (...so long as it doesn't interfere with another's free will) so why not use it to create our wildest dreams? When we are still in the early stages of heartbreak the idea of creating something new is not very appealing.... we want anything to be back to where it felt safe and comfortable. But I promise you, as you heal and realize the power you have to create, you will feel an immense amount of freedom and likely question why you wanted your ex back in the first place.
11. Show up. Everyone who writes about overcoming heartbreak writes from a space of hindsight. They write from a space that makes healing look easy because they've already been through it. But to get to that space they had to show up. Each and every day. They had to show up for the really sad moments to be able to show up to write about the great ones. Try not to forget this when reading posts like this. It's easy for me to give advice because I'm not living it. But I have lived it and the only reason I can sit here and write from a place of hindsight is because I chose to let go of the false idea that I could control someone's actions and choose instead to meet my pain and heal.
As much as I wrote this post for all those reaching out through e-mail, writing it was also an important part of my healing journey. I'm sending love and strength to everyone in the midst of heartbreak. It's not easy but you're not alone. You have a whole universe waiting for you to accept where you are so it can lead you to amazing things. I encourage you to try one or two of the things on this list and as always, I'd love to hear from you and learn about your progress!