What it's like to be sensitive

[I wrote this a while ago before I started to really feel safe and supported for who I am and what I need. I'm not normally one to shy away from sharing my thoughts or writing about "deep" things but for some reason this post makes me feel vulnerable. Being sensitive and intune is beautiful, but it can also be challenging to understand the world in a way so many others can't. This post is about the challenges. I am beyond grateful for my "gifts" and inspired by empowering others to love their gifts, too. But that doesn't mean I don't get overwhelmed. If you feel alone and misunderstood in the way I sometimes do, my inbox is always open.]



It's 7am and I don't want to get up.

I finally got a good sleep. Being woken up so many times throughout the night makes it feel like I haven't slept at all. They say sleep problems often accompany awakening, but for me, it's been like this my whole life. But one eye is open, this is good. I remember I asked my angels for guidance before I went to sleep. My dream was vivid. And gruesome. No wonder I didn't sleep. I'm going to look up the meaning and try to piece together what my subconscious was trying to convey. But first, my "prayer" of surrender: "show me where to go, show me what to do, show me what to say, and to whom." It's one Gabrielle Bernstein taught me way back when. 

Okay, deep breath. Time to go downstairs. It's going to be chaotic. I have a huge family and there are always so many things on the go. The first person I see is my dog. Okay, you're right, she's not a person. But she is my best friend and has been for the past seven years.  My younger sister is stressed about an exam, I feel it in the pit of my stomach. Breathe in, breathe out. This stress is not mine. I talk to my Mom for a bit, but I'm closed off. Sometimes I I struggle to make small talk, even with the people I know and love most. I start to worry I'm strange, that people might feel I don't care. But I know it's not true. I feel emotions deeper than my actions could ever convey. I make a coffee and bagel. I know I shouldn't be eating gluten, like everything else, my stomach is sensitive. But coffee and bagels are grounding and I'm feeling a bit in the stars. 

Off to school. I'm dressed in all black. Not because I'm feeling particularly dark, but rather because I like things simple. Neutral and earth tones for me, especially in my room. Everything is white. And I have crystals and plants scattered throughout. In the car, I listen to music. Well listen is an understatement, sometimes I feel like I become the music. Or it becomes me.

Holy shit this place is buzzing. I managed to snag a computer at the far end of the computer hall. Breathe in, breathe out. This is not mine. I start working on my blog but quickly find myself down a rabbit hole of human rights cases. Back to the blog and woah, déjà vu. I've been here before. This feels so real. I close my eyes and the feeling passes. I've been having a lot of déjà vu lately. I think it means I'm in alignment. I'm in the process of manifesting my intentions so this is good! My déjà vu isn't usually so calm. Usually, I can't help but be overcome by a terrifying ending, but I've learned to better control them and they are no longer so bad. I go back to the case studies, and BAM. Fear. Panic. Anxiety. But I have nothing to worry about. I am safe. I am loved. I look around the room and notice a guy next to me. I wonder what's on his mind. I wish I could help him, take some heaviness off his plate. It might be exams, or a girlfriend, but no, I think it has to do with his family.

This is not mine. I need to get some work done. 

Time to go home. My sister needs the car so I think I'll walk. The leaves are falling and it's the perfect opportunity for fresh air. Nature restores me. I walk barefoot on the varsity soccer field. As I walk I am overwhelmed with gratitude for Mother Earth, Gaia. The ground is safe and I cry at that thought.

4:30pm. I'm home. I go straight to my bed and lay down. I'm exhausted. Mentally and physically. I was only out for a couple hours but feel like my body is filled with sand bags. I can hear my family downstairs so I get up and close the door. I need absolute quiet if I'm going to go socialize later. I feel better after a few minutes on my own. This time is so valuable to me. 

Dinner. I've been trying to eat vegan. It's been hard, especially when my family doesn't understand why. When I think of eating animals I see images of pigs being slaughtered in my mind's eye. I feel pain in my stomach, in my back. My legs feel weak. The BBQ smells good, I know I've been conditioned to like it, but it will overwhelm me to eat it. So I make my own rice and vegetables. I drop some to my dog. After dinner, I lay on the floor beside her. I stay there for a while.

Back to my room. I want to try to meditate. The energy in the air picks up. I can physically see it. I remember asking a loved one what it was and him having him suggest I get my eyes checked. I did, and everything was normal. But maybe he's right. How can I see something other people can't? I'm nothing special. Wait. NO. I know it's energy. It is high in frequency when I am in a happy state or I've just cleared my space. And lower if the people around me are upset. Oh! There's a tunnel of golden light. I saw it in my peripheral. Now it's right in front of me. I don't know what it is but I like to believe it's my guardian angel. She reassures me when I'm feeling misunderstood. 

As I open my eyes from my meditation I remember it's Monday. I check in with Messages from the Fairies. I love surrounding myself with likeminded people and her readings always resonate. I check my phone and respond to a few texts. My friend wants to go for a walk but I just can't, even though I want to. I need to be in my own space.

Back downstairs. More small talk. It's okay though because it's about the US election and real world issues. I like that! It's almost 7pm and it's time for more school work and a run. I meet my sister on campus at 9pm and we do couch to 5k. Most people exercise for fitness. I exercise to stay grounded.  

I get back home, have a quick chat with my parents and then head back to my room. I wish I didn't need so much time alone. I think my family wishes that too.  I'm feeling shaky. I have been all day. But I don't know if it's me. That's one of the toughest things with being so intune, I have to be conscious that my feelings are my own. The psychologist I worked with suggested journalling is a good way to figure that out. So I journal. And I realize I'm angry about something that happened years ago that was triggered when I saw an old friend. I breathe in acceptance and breathe out forgiveness. I'd be a mess without my breath work!

I shower and it's bedtime. Sometimes I draw a card from John Hollands deck or catch up with Organic Olivia or Cornelia Grimsmo. I spend a lot of my time feeling alone in how I understand and interact with the world. Both Olivia and Cornelia seem to get it. It helps me feel normal. I put a drop of lavender essential oil on the back of my neck. It helps but I still can't sleep. My mind is racing. I worry about my life and the things I'm hoping to achieve. So I work on my blog. I love being creative and creating something out of nothing with my words. My eyes get heavy and I start to drift. I pull my winter blanket up, I'm always cold. I ask my angels to surround my family and friends and say a another "prayer" to the people on my mind. I've done this since I can remember. Tonight it's the people in Haiti and an old friend at war. Thinking of both overwhelms me. Why am I so lucky to have the life I have? To be in the body I am? 

I close my eyes and envision the cords from the day being cleared. 

Tucked into my bed, I'm safe.

It's peaceful here, in this space just as I begin in doze off. Somewhere between overthinking today and worrying about tomorrow, I start to dream.