Something I didn't anticipate when I started this space was how far my energy would travel this world through my words. I knew I would be showing up to support people through pain but I didn't understand the intricacies of what that would mean.
Every word I write carries my energetic imprint and when my words are absorbed and used to help someone through hardship, I unknowingly carry that someone with me energetically.
Which is actually an incredibly beautiful thing.
Because it shows how true it is that we are all working through this life together.
But because energy is so subtle and my reach was, at times, quite far, my energy was torn in so many directions and I found myself depleted in an unexpected way.
So I did what I tend to do, got quiet and retreated myself away.
I shut down my Instagram.
Pulled myself from my self-care e-mails.
Let my inbox fill up.
And gave myself space to make sense of everything in a quieter way.
And I've been thinking a lot about how 'retreating' and needing to 'grow quiet' has been how I survived this world long before I knew about energy and the empath label.
Especially in romantic relationships and with those I love most.
About how I would need to retreat into my own physical space to get into my own head space to understand my heart space and what was going on - and how that would sometimes leave a destructive path between myself and those I cared about because I couldn't put what I experiencing into words to explain my behaviour.
One time going so far that I locked myself in a bathroom mid conversation just to breathe because I had so much coming at me that I just couldn't think. Leaving the person I was in conversation with concerned and afraid.
In those moments I would feel so bad about myself.
I'd call myself depressed.
"Not feeling well."
And try so hard to find something to blame, a reason for "not being myself."
But I was myself.
And I was feeling fine.
I was just needing a bit of time alone to recalibrate.
To file my experiences.
To be in my own energy.
To get quiet so I could make sense of what was going on in my head.
When you're sensitive to the subtle energies of the external world, including the energies of other people, it's only when you are in your own energy that you can think for yourself and feel for yourself, and our bodies were designed to know this.
But because society doesn't know this, and we haven't been taught this, when our bodies do this to us, when they carry us into the quiet so we can breathe, we can feel as if we need to explain and justify what's happening.
And we end up apologizing or making excuses for what's happening because we can't explain why we are needing to get away.
But when we apologize for the parts of us that make us who we are, we give our power away.
We tell the world that it's wrong for us to need our space.
To need quiet.
To need to get away.
But it's not wrong.
Especially as an empath.
It might not seem like it, but it takes a lot for me to show up in the world the way I do.
To be so authentically myself on the Internet.
I share my heart so unapologetically.
And because there is a disconnect between who I am and who the world wants me to be, I am always in defence mode. I am always dodging judgement. I am always hyper-aware of how just being who I am will affect other people, especially when who I am brings up something that's needing to be healed within them.
But that is exactly why I do it.
Not being authentic would be worse.
The only way for the world to get safer for intuitive people is if intuitive people speak up and STOP apologizing for what they need to do in order be who they really are.
For me this is knowing that though I love to write and nothing makes me happier than guiding others through the storms I've travelled, sometimes I'll need to step away. Especially when there is a lot going on the world, or when my clients are working through heavy things and a lot of what I'm thinking and feeling aren't my own.
But that doesn't mean anything is wrong, or you have to be concerned, or that I need to apologize. It just means I'm stepping away so I can show up.
Because it takes stepping away to show up.
A constant back and forth of giving energy and retreating to receive it.
I tell you this because I hope you do the same.
I hope you recognize your needs, and realize that because there is a disconnect between who you are and the world you are trying to live in, those needs might not be so easily understood, expressed, accepted or convenient at times.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't honour them.
I also hope that before you go to apologize for whatever it is you think might be wrong about you, that you stop to question, if maybe, that something might not be wrong at all.
That maybe... that something, is the very thing that is RIGHT about you.
I want you to own who YOU are and what YOU need and recognize that being a certain way and needing certain things is what makes you YOU. And that when those things fall outside the norm, it means you are here to create a new norm. And that the only way for you to do the work of creating a new norm is by honouring who you are, especially when it doesn't fit in.
The personal is political.
When we stop ourselves from apologizing for who we are and stop ourselves from trying to fit ourselves into a standard, a lifestyle, an expectation that doesn't fit, we vote in favour of a world where being who we are does fit; a world that's more fitting for all sensitive people, a world that values authenticity and living from the heart.
It's the law of attraction on a much bigger scale.
And a very important realization for those of us wishing this world was more accepting and kind.
For the world to be more accepting and kind, WE need to be more accepting and kind, especially to ourselves and the parts of us leading the way into a more peaceful existence.
Though I've come a long way from locking myself in the bathroom and leaving a destructive path in my wake, I still get overstimulated and there are going to be times when I need to peacefully step away. To retreat. To grow quiet. In relationships, in business, in a hundred different ways, and instead of apologizing for my need, I'm going to accept it and love it and know that honouring my quiet side is a vote in favour of a more intentional world.
I'm going to accept that needing to step away doesn't mean I'm failing or inadequate or anything else I can convince myself of being, ESPECIALLY in this online world where we are expected to be available to everyone all of the time, but that my body is telling me I've taken on too much and I need to find my centre.
And I hope you do too.
I hope you put in the work to develop the same self-love and self-awareness so you too can move through this life in a healthier, happier, more peaceful, authentic and IMPACTFUL way.
When I'm emailing you or mentoring you and I catch you off guard with how much I know about you, I'm picking up on the same energy I need to be intentional about stepping away from.
And I know SO many of you are the same.
Living in a traumatized world picking up on so much energy that is not yours.
Don't be afraid of needing to step away from it - and don't be afraid to quiet that part of you that wants to explain and justify yourself and what you need.
Because who you are and what you need doesn't need explaining.
And you don't need to apologize.
You just need to accept yourself for who you are because you are who you are for a reason, and there is no right or wrong to be, there is just a right or wrong way for YOU to be, and when you feel a need to apologize for some aspect of yourself, that isn't it.
I'll be easing myself back into my self-care e-mails next Wednesday and I can't wait to see some familiar names in my inbox.
>>> You can sign up for the e-mails here!
I love you all so much.
Which is exactly why I needed to step away.
See you soon!
If you resonated with the part of my story about leaving a destructive path, I encourage you to learn more about setting boundaries so you can stop that behaviour and retreat in a way that's more loving for all. We can work on boundaries together or you can learn more about it by signing up for my free chakra course!